


Accidental Therapy

by AvataroftheVast



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking, Self-Pity, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, daisy not putting up with jon's self-pity, platonic jon/daisy, straighten yo self out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 11:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18619510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvataroftheVast/pseuds/AvataroftheVast
Summary: In which Daisy Tonner is emotional stronghold of the archives.After a night out drinking with Basira, Jon and Daisy linger. Daisy has a few choice words for Jon, and Jon leaves with maybe - hopefully - a new self perspective.





	Accidental Therapy

“Alright guys, it’s been loads of fun. Honestly. It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed myself like this, but -”

“Oh don’t say it,”

“- I really am going to have to be heading home now. It’s late”

Daisy made a click sound in disappointment. “Don’t be like that Basira! We have all the time in the world to get back to that… drudgery of depressing… I don’t know, all I’m trying to say is that… all we have is right now, and right here, and this table here is a little ray of sunshine we’ve created for ourselves -”

“Daisy I’m quite sure you’re drunk.”

“- and as soon as we let go of it, it’ll be gone.” Basira sighed.

“You say that now, but it’s nearly one in the morning. We can put off the depressing drudgery as long as we’d like, but I’d prefer not to also be miserable and tired while doing it.”

“Ach, fine, suit yourself.” Daisy playfully gave Basira a shove as she stood up. Basira took a moment to give them both a pointed look.

“Don’t stay too late, you two. Remember we have work in the morning, Jon.” Jon gave her a nod and smile, and with a wave, Basira left the pub. Daisy leaned forward on her elbows.

“And what about you, spooky eyes? Are you gonna leave me, too?” The smile lingered on Jonathan’s face as he gazed down at his half empty drink, fidgeting with the glass. He gave a shrug.

“No reason to, I suppose. It’s not like sleep has been terribly restful lately, anyways, and besides I… I enjoyed tonight. I suppose. No not ‘I suppose’, I just… did. Yes.” He gazed distantly out the window onto the London streets lit by streetlight. “It made me feel… a little more human.”

“PPPFFFF” Daisy spat. Jon jerked his attention back from the window.

“Pardon?”

“You’re not really going on again about being a poor monster boy, are you?”

“I… I-I… em…”

“You’re really gonna go all soppy on me that fast after telling the story about Marin walking in on you recording wearing nothing but his pants, are you?” At that Jon had to give a hearty laugh, warmed by his drink, and Daisy joined him. “I think I must have heard you laugh more tonight than you have in your entire life. You’re one to go on about being human.” Jon sighed as his laughter died down.

“I guess I just… I don’t know. I feel like there’s no place for me in this world; no place for… what I am. I’m not human; of that I’m certain. I don’t need the changes to my physical body to tell me that. My… mind, for lack of a better term, feels… beyond. I don’t know. There’s not a word for it. It’s like there’s a whole extra layer to it that’s just so… far beyond anything I’ve… I’ve…”

“Why do you deserve to die?” Jon jolted at the question.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, why do you deserve to die? Back at the institute you kept going on about how you didn’t think you deserved to live, and the world ‘losing another monster’. So tell me. What have you done that’s so horrible that you deserve to die?” Jon was silent for a moment. He stared into his glass like he was looking through a portal to another world. When he spoke, it was quiet and hesitant.

“There’s… the draw. I’m sure you know it well. The need that needs filling. For me it’s… to watch. To learn, to know. It leaves people exposed and in anguish, suffering by my gaze endlessly. You know what it’s like. But… I can’t help myself. Even still I’ve taken statements from people, knowing what it will do to them. And when I watch everyone suffer while I sleep, I… I enjoy it. I don’t want to enjoy it, to love that ecstasy it brings, but I do.

“I… had a friend. His name was Gerry. Long story, but he was essentially trapped as a ghost and a book, and… he asked me to free him. I told him I would. Only… that would mean the loss of all the information he held. For a long time I debated whether or not I actually would. I… I wasn’t sure that I would. I thought about… about keeping him. Like that. Trapped forever. What… what kind of person would I be if I had…”

“I’ve killed people.” For several long seconds, there was silence. Finally Daisy continued. “So you’re a freak with a bit of a sadistic side, you’re hardly alone there. I’ve. Killed people. Murdered. I’ve hurt and killed people who were completely innocent and didn’t deserve it. I said it was in the name of justice, but it wasn’t. It was to fulfill my own need. Do I deserve to die?”

“Of course you don’t,” Jon said quickly. Daisy’s voice became heated.

“Then why do you?” She took a moment, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and continued at normal tone. “Why do you deserve to die where I don’t, hm? What have you done that’s so much worse than what I have that you would die in my place? Give me one reason that applies to you and not to me.”

Jon’s voice was quiet again. “You were being influenced by a power.”

“And I think we’ve already established that so are you.”

“But I know that I am, and I -”

“- have already used that knowledge to fight against it. You used it to do right by your friend Gerry. You use it every day to fight to do right not by the Eye, but by your friends. Every day you fight it, and I know it can get… overwhelming. To say the least.” Daisy twiddled with a fork that was sitting on the table and nodded Jon’s direction. “It’s like those cigarettes you always carry in your pocket.” Jon blushed.

“I- what? I-I mean, I don’t -”

“No, you don’t smoke them; usually. Not that I’ve seen at least. But you carry them with you. How hard was it to quit?”

“I-I mean.... well, quite.”

“It puts a hunger in you. A hunger that your brain has never known before, and it has to learn to cope with it. It becomes just as instinctive to your brain as regular hunger, and it becomes a fight between the conscious mind wanting to abstain, and the animal mind wanting to feed. If you leave a starving person alone and tell them they only get food if they drive a nail into a stranger’s hand, how much do you blame them if after a month they decide that they can’t take starving anymore?”

“I uh… I honestly don’t know.”

“I don’t either. But I don’t immediately think they deserve to die.”

At that point a waiter came by, asked to refill their drinks, which they declined, and asked how much longer they would be staying, and they both picked up the hint that they should maybe wrap up their visit.

“Ok,” Jon continued when the waiter had left. “I see your point, Daisy.”

“So. No more self-pity?” Jon gave her a tired half smile.

“No more self-pity. And um… if you don’t mind me asking…”

“Yes?”

“How have you… dealt with it? With reconciling what you’ve done? How did you come do decide you deserve to live?”

“I haven’t.” Jon was stunned.

“You what?”

“I haven’t decided that. But I’ve decided not to go _mopin' about it_ ,” she said very pointedly. “Besides. I’ve decided it doesn’t really matter now. I thought like you for a long time. I had a lot of time to think about it down in that pit. I’d come to think that that was exactly what I deserved. The thought at a second chance had never even crossed my mind, and now that I have it, well, I’m not going to waste time in doubt and self-pity. I’m moving forward, and learning all over again what it means to be me, out from the influence of that power. Perhaps I do deserve to die. What was it that guy from Lord of the Rings said? Something about 'Good people die all the time, and you can’t kill everyone who deserves it, so what are you going to do?' Something like that.” Jon gave a chuckle, and as Daisy stood up, she gave Jon a knowing look. “You may not be human, Jonathan Sims, but you’re far from a monster. Hell there are plenty of humans out there that are far more monstrous than you. So just…” Daisy made wide hand gestures on her way to the door. “Hell I don’t know, I don’t have any fancy closing words or anything. Just… be the best you, or something.”

Jon nodded and grinned.

“Will do, Daisy. See you tomorrow.”

“See you, spooky eyes.” And with that she was out the door.

Jon sighed and took one last sip from his drink. It was time for him to head out, too, he supposed. He put money down for the bill and followed out the door Daisy had gone.

He paused for a moment in the cool night air, lit by flickering street lamps and serenaded by crickets. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a box of cigarettes and a lighter with a web design. Daisy’s words echoed in his head. A hunger as instinctive as real hunger, she had called it. She wasn’t wrong.

He put the box and lighter back and began the walk home. Maybe he deserved the same chance he’d given Daisy, he thought. Yes, he supposed he must deserve at least that. And maybe, just maybe, if he could ignore the call of nicotine, he could ignore the call of the Eye.


End file.
